Monday, January 5, 2009

On The Road Again

You can’t really embark on a 33-hour drive without an impressive collection of stories on the other end. Buckle up, here are a few of the highlights:

We borrowed a bit of genius from the Kastelers and decided to vacuum pack our clothes – poor man style. Garbage bags, rubber bands and a vacuum. After half my closet reduced to an impressive 3-square foot blob that eerily resembled body parts in a lawn and leaf bag, I was sold on the space-saving idea and I was ready to vacuum pack toiletries, the Bosch, even one of us, if it bought us a little more room in the 318ti.

The morning of our departure, my parents came down to help with last-minute details (a tangent I cannot pursue because this is meant to be a funny post and if I dwell on their utterly amazing selflessness I will get weepy. Again.) and as space in the car rapidly diminished, Noah leaned against the hatchback as my dad handed him the last few items to be shoved into each nook and cranny. Finally, Noah had to throw his whole weight into the hatchback to get it closed.

In the first few miles of the trip, one such vacuum packed blob fell from its precarious perch above my head and spent the remainder of the drive slowly sucking in air and winnowing the passenger out of leg room to the point the driver’s seat actually became the desirable spot to occupy.

The remainder of the PMVPBs (poor man’s vacuum packed bags) were also guilty of sucking and upon our first night’s stop in Grand Island, NE, we determined it wise not to open the hatchback and disturb the growing beast. Which also meant no access to the overnight bag we’d packed with pajamas, a change of clothes, oh – you know, deodorant. I did have toothbrushes and toothpaste in my purse, so don’t fear, our dental well-being was not compromised, but just feel fortunate you didn’t have to meet us on the eastern half of these United States (sorry Bryan and Lauren).

Somewhere outside Chicago, Noah and I engaged in the following brilliant conversation:
A: “It basically blows my mind how much faster you can travel by plane. A flight to Chicago takes, what? Three hours? We’ve been on the road for two days.”
N: “Well, when you’re clipping along at roughly…”
A: “A few thousand miles per hour?”
N: “No. Um, more like 400.”
A: “Maybe I meant the Concorde. You don’t know that.”
N: “Even sound only travels at 700 mph.”
A: “Yeah, okay.”

And that pretty much sums of the highlights of the drive. We leave you now with a few stats and awards compiled mostly out of boredom.

Number of Stolen String Cheese: 2 (Noah slipped them into his pocket – I know, fishy right? – and forgot they were there until he reached in to retrieve the toll ticket in Indiana. He assures me stolen cheese tastes better than the kind you pay for. He feels bad for stealing the cheese but feels devilishly good about sticking it to Walmart.)

Friendliest Stranger: Produce Section Gentleman (We stopped dead in our tracks when we noticed the outrageously low price for oranges in WalMart and paused to debate it – healthier than the sugared candy segments; stickier, however. You know, typical oranges in the car conversations. That’s when the random fellow shopper interjected to see if we were looking for something in particular and could he help us find something? Not even an employee, this guy. Impressive. Maybe he was auditioning for a job there.)

Most Desperate Music Consumption: Lose Yourself – Eminem (Collin, this is on a mix you made for us one time. How did it get by us all these months? I leaned to change the song so we wouldn’t be overwhelmed by its awesomeness, until I realized 33 hours in a car is no time to be picky. Close contenders: Don’t Wanna Lose You Now – Backstreet Boys and Cookie Starts with C.)

Smelliest City: Ogalalla, NE

Most Excellent City Name: Buttzville, NJ


melissa said...

Aren't road trips the BEST? :)

allyn said...

you MUST try that amazing journey with 5 beautiful children and your mother-in-law. okay, maybe my mother-in-law. imagine me turning into a dragon and that would about sum things up.
glad you guys didn't get thrown in the slammer for perpin' the cheese.

candace said...

I am SO looking forward to hearing more about your adventure!!

Missy said...

It sounds like a wild drive! I hate those vacuum pack bags, they never work as well as they say.
And Noah, stealing cheese? That is a new low, even for you :)

Claire said...

I am SO glad that Backstreet Boys were a part of your exodus!

Becky said...

I miss you already! How funny is your blog. And, as someone who recently made the journey to the East from SLC via car, I can attest to the smellyness of Nebraska.

Sarah said...

I am glad you all made it safe and sound. There are already the rumblings from the peanut gallery that people miss Noah.

When you are you going to tell us about the good NYC eats and make use all jealous.

Hilarye said...

Oh my gosh! I miss you already! I seriously laughed out loud reading this!

Dominick and Becky said...

I can only imagine how hilarious a road trip would be with the two of you. Great stories, good times...and Noah, I'm really shocked about the cheese.

We miss you guys already! Go eat some great NY pizza for us.

melissa said...

I had a hideous experience at Walmart earlier this week and have been trying to figure out a way to stick it to them. STOLEN CHEESE! Perfect!
Can't wait to hear more.

sorensenpower said...

I am jealous of your illustrious road trip. It has changed my life in the following ways:

1. I will now steal more cheese than ever before.
2. I will now be visiting Buttzville in the not-so-distant future! ...and maybe Ogalalla (I'm intrigued by its smelliness).
3. If I ever decide I need to vacuum pack something I will spend the extra money to avoid a similar disaster...

Tell us more!

cacrowell said...

Hello!! I'm Mrs. Way-behind!! You are such an awesome writer! I was laughing during this entire post and it totally brought back good memories. One of our highlights was stopping in WY at a Flying J--parking amidst the semi-trucks and eating with the truck drivers--of course it was the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. :)It was an experience. :)